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The Test of Consciousness

"What would happen if you put everything you are creating to the test of consciousness?"

A friend asked me that question recently and it has been ringing through my cells.

"To the test of consciousness. To the test of consciousness.”

It’s easy to say “I want to change the world,” but let’s face it, as my friend pointed out, Donald Trump is changing the world. Isis is changing the world. And neither of those forces are creating more consciousness in the world. They are creating change. More fear. More separation. But certainly change.

I am and have been, changing the world. With all the people I am in contact with, of course I am changing the world. That sort of weasels around the question.

So I ask myself again "What would happen if you put everything you are creating to the test of consciousness?"

It hasn’t been the most comfortable question.

If the definition of consciousness is “includes everything and judges nothing,” then is everything I am creating the inclusion of everything? Is everything I am creating about less separation and conclusion and force and about more question, awareness and possibility?

Is my target truly for everything to thrive? And to be in a world with no separation?

And what comes up when I ask that question, is “no.”

When I look at this topic really vulnerably, there is this really big part of me that wants everyone to be greater and greater, just as long as they don’t get greater than me.

I want everyone to create magic, but I like to be the most magical.

I want everyone to be empowered, but I get a kick out of being the empowerer.

That is not consciousness.

That is being a guru. Some would say "functioning from ego". At best it is consciousness-lite. And we can list other phrases that point a finger back at me and wag it as though I am bad, but that’s not the conversation I’m having either.

I don’t actually think I’m doing much harm on the planet. On the harm scale, I’m definitely well below rhino poachers, baby killer, general happiness haters…

But the point is not if you think I’m bad or I think I’m bad. The point is…

The person I do the most harm to with this way of functioning, is me. I am the one who is separate when I separate. I am the one whose head is filled with judgments when I judge. I am the one who is twisted when I’m not congruent between what I say and how I be.

I know that there is a more joyful and fulfilling way of being alive that supersedes attempting to get the world to revolve around this tiny object I call Blossom. I know the gift that functioning from true awareness can and will be to me. So why am I not choosing that always?

Gary Douglas has said for years "1,000 people truly in consciousness will change the face of government and 10,000 people truly in consciousness will change the face of the world." And he has some strange sort of track on that number. It’s been rising over the years.

Every time I have heard that, I have counted myself out.

Because even though I am spreading consciousness in the world, I am not always doing it from consciousness. So I may be creating more conscious people but I have never counted myself as one of them.

My question this morning is… why hasn’t that pissed me off yet?

Why is that a thing that I have been willing to sit with? "Yeah, I get I’m a phony in this one whole area of my life. Oh well. I’ll go watch an episode of Scandal or put an inspiring meme on Facebook."

What the fuck?!

And not “what the fuck” in an unkind 'you are a stupid terrible person Blossom' way…. but really "what the heck is going on here?”

A few years back I made a list of all the “things” I desired. A piano, a beautiful home, to travel business class, a horse, beautiful jewelry, socks that matched.

Everything, EVERYTHING on my list I have created. Even the impossible matching socks!

I know this stuff works. I know that consciousness delivers. So why is it that my other list, the one that says “to function from total awareness, to have and be generosity of spirit with everything, to have no judgement, to truly have the backs of everyone in my life…”

Why isn’t that list showing up with the rapidity and completeness of my ‘things' list?

Is it harder? Is it harder for the universe to shift the way I see and relate to things than it is to deliver me a house? Or do I just not actually desire the things on the second list? Have I only been pretending to ask for them?

The questions I have been sitting with in the last days are the vulnerable questions...

“Do you actually desire to be functioning from consciousness?”

“Are you willing to be a part of everything and not the focal point of anything?”

"Are you willing to be un-special in a judgment way and totally special in what that creates in the world"?

"What have you been unwilling to lose that keeps you holding onto this way of being?"

Those are the real questions. The questions with answers rough around the edges.

I spent the last two days around a man I admire greatly. His humility makes me cry. And the beauty he sees in the world makes him cry. I used to want to be person that makes people cry. Now I desire to be the person who cries at the beauty.

What would my world be like if I stopped desiring to be god and started receiving from the magnificence of everything that he has created? He. It. Universe. Whatever that bigger more wonderful energy in the world is than me.

(And yes, rumor has it there is a bigger more wonderful energy than me.)

I don’t think I have ever truly wanted to know that.

I guess where I land in that case is only being able to receive the things I already am. If no one can be greater than me, I only ever get to have what I am willing to show up as.

So I surrender. Today. To getting it right. To being important.

And I’ll probably have to do it tomorrow too.

And the next day.

Until I can look at my list and say “That! Look, I am being all of that!"

What would it take for everything I am creating to stand up to the test of consciousness?

And to be brutally honest with myself anywhere it is not?

I don’t have to change this alone. This I know.

I just have to be willing. And to move it over to the list of things I actually desire.

Whatever the cost.