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Day 4 - Being a Leader, or what?


When I saw Katie’s drawing and painting of the flamenco dancer it took me back to the time when I was a flamenco dancer. I was totally, crazily immersed in it. Ever since, I have been fascinated by the movements, the ruffles, the bodies twisting and turning in most amazing, precise movements. Tremolo. Muscles tense, like an arrow shivering in the quiet between the call and the reply....

When I saw Katie’s drawing and painting of the flamenco dancer it took me back to the time when I was a flamenco dancer. I was totally, crazily immersed in it. Ever since, I have been fascinated by the movements, the ruffles, the bodies twisting and turning in most amazing, precise movements. Tremolo. Muscles tense, like an arrow shivering in the quiet between the call and the reply.... Enjoying space while the only motion is swirling dust particles glittering in the spot light. Reminds me of horses and their riders in total communion. The anticipation and exhilaration before the greatest race. 

And I remember the many, many training sessions in groups, wherever I went for classes and workshops. I was always in the front row. I sucked it all up. Learning the steps, the choreography, counting the rhythms, seeing it all, doing it with fun and great ease, being it. Gosh, I was so fast at learning it all. Lifetimes came back to me where I was living totally with each breath.... Very soon, some people in the group would be annoyed by me being in front. Mostly those that were struggling. They pretended it was my fault because I was in the front row, the 'best' spot. So, they sent me to the back. I went reluctantly, but I went. Feeling a little bad about being so bad, being so good. 

I noticed very soon a very funny thing. Hardly any of them really wanted to be in the front row. I could sense their discomfort as they noticed that they were totally visible from everywhere around, not only in the mirror but also from behind. They were still stumbling around, tripping over their feet even more. And slowly they all moved towards the back of the room. There was a vacuum forming in the front center where nobody was willing to be. Meanwhile, I managed to dance around my confused, stumbling dancing friends, yet had so much less fun there in the back row.

I couldn't believe it! They all had complained about me always being in front, and now nobody wanted to be there? Not one of them actually wanted to be the leader. I had been the leader there in the middle front row, and it was so easy for them to make the front row center person the culprit for their mistakes, their choices and unwillingness to excel.

And, how much have I always stepped back to make others feel better about themselves? And, what did this actually create? Did it help them? No. My amigos still didn't take advantage of that front row position. They didn't do anything with it, but complain. Did it help me? No. I didn't see a thing but stumbling bodies in confusion about what was left and what was right. It definitely didn't help me at all to not be the leader I truly be. I got pretty angry.

I choose today to be the leader I be, no matter what others make of it and of me. I know now that they choose what they choose, that they will project what they project and where they are unwilling to choose. On the flip side, if I find myself envying somebody for something, I know today the gift that this is for me. It shows me that very thing that I can do also, that I can choose also, that I had simply been unwilling to choose yet. 

And I know from experience that if I get over my resistance and chose it and ask questions, that a universe WILL open for me that is so amazing that I burst out laughing.

So, if we all are the leaders we truly are and we be and do whatever we choose, and we step up or in front, even if others shun us for it, would we be a gift to the world?

Title of my painting: "Red Poppy", acrylic on canvas

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