I turned into a monster this morning. I did!
I was at the airport at 5 am (I add this for description only, not for defense) and was told upon check in “I’m sorry Ma’am, your flight is oversold. We will ask for volunteers, but if no one volunteers, you have been chosen as the one who will not board the plane.”
“Oh really?” I replied, raising my eyebrows. And just like that, the Blossom Monster began.
Monster Rule #1- All curiosity will be removed from questions and replaced with pointed accusations with question marks at the end.
Monster Rule #2- All smiling will be withheld from all persons, even those genuinely attempting to help until Monster suit is removed.
Monster Rule #3- There is always someone to blame! Find him and eat him.
Monster Rule #4- Until said person is found, everyone is to blame. Be mean to everyone.
Monster Rule #5- It is never an isolated event. No matter what has occurred, it is both unacceptable in infuriating. Take care to inform everyone of the incompetence of all parties involved.
And that pretty much sums up my morning.
I would like to say that I write these in jest or exaggeration. I don’t. I think some people categorize my morning choices as being a bitch. If we want to be a little more technical, I would say it was a little closer to c_nt. But wowie, am I potent once I begin!
“Where is the consciousness in that”, you might ask!? What about asking “how does it get better than this?” What about “what’s right about this I’m not getting?” “What about all those amazing tools you write about?”
I will refer you to Monster Rule #6- Scrap all the tools you have that might create something greater. When you are being a monster, destruction is now the primary target.
Now, what is interesting is, when I choose this energy (which thankfully is rather infrequent now), I neverstop being aware of all the choices I have available to me. This morning I knew I could ask questions and create magic. I knew I could absolutely choose to be happy. I also knew that the universe could very well be sending me on a wild and wonderful adventure to create something I had been asking for.
And with all that awareness, I still chose monster.
I could probably blame the airport. Some of you reading might even nod your head in understanding if I took that route. It brings out the worst in many of us. But the truth is, I choose to be this way at the airport more than any other place on earth. The airport does nothing to me. It just sort of hangs out, being mildly incompetent and rather bureaucracy filled, but doing the job it was built to do. Somewhere I have created the story that it is one of the places it is acceptable to be horrible to people.
I am the the one that puts the suit on.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not only airports. I choose it in restaurants at times. At the dry cleaner. Infrequent as it may be, it is one of the choices that I still make available to myself to choose from. And that is an interesting thing to be aware of.
Also interesting is, as I write this, I am so clear I am not saying any of this about myself through the lens of judgment. I’m not sitting on the airplane right now feeling like a horrible person. I’m not even feeling sorry. I’m finally smiling again (took me all the way to Minneapolis to make that choice). It’s more of a, “Ok, I chose that. That was an interesting route to take.”
But I am also asking some serious questions:
- Where have I made anger, rage, fury and hate still a viable choice in my universe?
- What is the value at lashing out at people?
- Where am I mimicking my father (or anyone else)?
- What have I made vital about keeping this monster suit around?
- And what is it creating on the planet when I choose it?
I am very clear that what I wish to create is more consciousness in the world. I work tirelessly towards that. I am also aware that the behavior I chose this morning is directly against what I wish to be and create in the world. It fosters destruction and separation and cruelty and abuse. It makes people feel less than. And it literally destroys. Today, I was a part of that.
So right now I wonder: What can I be, do, have, create, acknowledge, choose, practice, demand or wonder that will save my monster suit for situations where it will save, protect, or create rather than separate, annihilate and wound? Truly universe, what is possible here?
In the end, the universe had my back. After missing my flight and being told it would be 2 days before they could get me to Grand Rapids, I of course caught a last minute empty seat on a booked flight to LA, a last minute empty seat on a booked flight to Minneapolis and then made a tight connection with total ease for a smooth flight to Grand Rapids. I was upgraded to business class on all flights, paid generously for the inconvenience and landed a mere 2.5 hrs later than expected.
I missed zero appointments or radio shows. I didn’t even miss dinner! And as a beautiful addition, I got to write this blog and really look at this thing that has been lurking in the corners of my being for so very long. So truly, what’s right about all this?
As I sit here now though, I do wonder; what magic did I miss along the way by choosing to be unhappy? Who did the universe sit me next to that I was too grumpy to talk to? What opportunity to create more joy in the world did I squash by contracting? And as dramatic as it sounds, what devastation did I set in motion by my choices?
You may not think your bad moods matter. They are natural. Everyone has them. But what if they do?
I am clear that mine matter. They are potent and fierce. They are nearly perfect in their precision. And they spew poison and create separation. They foster meanness.
I always remind my clients that becoming aware of a behavior is 90% of the work. Just recognizing your shadows exist.
I wonder when I will take that final 10% leap and put the monster to bed for good?
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